My Magical Weekend.

The premiere of Harry Potter was just days away, and my nipples were already hard with excitement. I had been waiting for this movie for a very long time, and nothing was going to stop me from seeing it. I was appalled to find out that Beatrice, a girl I work with, was going to be having emergency surgery a few days before the premiere, and that I might have to cover her shift and miss the movie. Beatrice and I are great friends, but the fact that she chose to get circumcised 3 days before Harry Potter had pissed me off something fierce. “I’ll quit!” I told my boss, as he laughed in my face, while informing me that people on my intelligence level couldn’t get a job as good as the one I have anywhere else! He proceeded in telling me that if I quit my job now he would make sure that the only job I would be able to receive would be at the local Sonic. I informed him that a future in carhopping was also not likely for me due to the fact that I have the rollerblading skills of a goldfish. Beatrice’s surgery went well but she informed me that she wasn’t sure if she would be able to return to work in time for me to make the movie, which was when I lost it! I decided to do what any normal human being would do in this situation, which was resorting to bribery.  I told Beatrice that if she returned to work in time for me to make my movie that I would either make her a cake, or have sex with her, and for reasons still unknown to me she decided to go with the cake. I arrived to work the next day with a freshly made cake, and a smile on my face knowing that I was hours away from seeing Harry Potter. Beatrice kept her end of the bargain and showed up in time for me to leave, and as soon as 9 o’clock rolled around Lilly, and I left work and headed for Bricktown. Our friend Gavin, and his white lover Ava road with us to the theatre, which made for an interesting ride as Gavin was screaming from inside my trunk. Under two circumstances do I make my friends ride in the trunk, which is them having gas, or being Mexican, and unfortunately Gavin had fallen under both of these categories.  After what seemed like an hours drive we finally arrived at the theatre to find the biggest freak show I have ever seen. People were dressed up as witches and wizards, battling each other with their wands, and I knew I was in heaven. After I crept through the parking lot, and evaded several misfired spells, I found Ace, and by the look of his nipples he was just as excited as I was. He led us into the theatre where our friend Samantha and her brother Kam were saving us all seats. The movie was everything I had ever hoped for. I was so excited to be witnessing it that I had climaxed at least twice within the first hour. The movie continued on and towards the end I heard sniffling and weeping to my right. I looked over and saw Ace, who was clenching a tissue in his hand as tears were flowing down his face.  I wanted to give him a giant hug in his time of need, but my favorite character, Bellatrix Lestrange, was on-screen and I was afraid if I stood up to comfort him someone might see my boner. The next day was my dad’s 30-year class reunion, which naturally was going to be hosted at our house.  My dad had offered me 20 bucks to either stay in my room, or leave the house. It was this moment in time that i realized i was the black sheep of the family, but took him up on his offer due to the fact that he had cash. After leaving my house I went to my friend Tori’s to hang out for a bit. Tori had gotten her wisdom teeth taken out a few weeks ago, and I decided that with her newly prescribed Vicodin we could have one hell of a night. We decided to go to the movies and I couldn’t get Tori to shut the hell up about seeing the new Winnie The Pooh flick. I finally convinced her that after being on the Atkins Diet for a whopping 3 days I wasn’t emotionally ready to witness Pooh eat excess amounts of honey, and that a second viewing of Harry Potter would only be for the best. We arrived at the theatre, bought our tickets, and waited in a line that seemed to go on for an eternity. We got into line and stood next to a family that smelt like goat, and looked as if they weren't against having sex with each other. Every time Tori and I try to go out we always find ourselves in awkward situations, and this clan of inbred’s was no exception. Our first encounter with bad luck started when we got lost on our way to the zoo and ended up in New Mexico. Ever since then nothing seems to go as planned when we are together. After the movie I dropped Tori off at her house, gave her a goodbye kiss on her ass cheek, and headed back to Norman to pick up Ace from the bar. Lilly and I arrived at the house of our friend Samantha’s best friend, Cori. Everyone was drunk off of their asses, including Cori’s dog Harley who had pissed all over the place after Ace had shared a bottle of Vodka with it. Ace usually isn’t one to share, but when a dog is involved he is always there with some form of alcohol, and a jar of peanut butter. After I had managed to get all of the drunken girls changed and into bed, while only fondling two of them, I rounded up Ace and we headed outside. The thing with Ace is he always manages to get so drunk he spills his guts, and that night was no different. After he had revealed to me his wildest fantasies about taking his midget employee, Derry, putting a bib on him, setting him in a high chair, and feeding him smashed peas, I threw up no less than 18 times. I have come to the conclusion that weather it be the wizard wannabes at the theatre, Tori, and her bad luck, or even Ace with his fetish for canines and midgets, that I am surrounded by people just as weird as me, people who aren't afraid to laugh when old people fall, or fart in a crowded church, and it's the fact that these people are in my life that make my life worth living. 

Sixteen Candles...And A Blow-Up Doll.

My best friend Derek decided it would be convenient to turn 20 this weekend, and there was no way better to celebrate than with a party of our closest friends, and liquor. I knew I couldn’t let my best friends birthday pass without getting him a present, not because I’m that caring of a person, but because I want him to feel obligated to return the favor when my birthday comes around. Initially I thought about getting a prank gift, but decided I should spend my money on something he would actually use, that something being “Meme The Midget” blow-up doll. I made my friend Maddie come with me to pick out Derek’s gift at a local “adult toy” shop where up until recently we were regulars. We walked into “Christies Toy Box” and were greeted by the cashier, Cynthia, who we are on a first name basis with, and I strolled to the back to pick up Dereks pint sized lover. Originally I had planned on getting him a Miley Cyrus blow-up doll, but for some reason the midget doll was half the price, and I’m always down for a bargain.  I picked up the box to read the dolls description and saw that it had three love openings of pleasure, all of which were precisely five inches deep. I realized that was two inches more than Derek actually needed, but knew it would be a good investment nevertheless. I also decided that I wouldn’t be living up to my disgusting reputation without getting him a dirty magazine, or twelve, and after hours of contemplation I decided to purchase “Asian Babes” over “Busty Blacks”.  The next day I picked up Derek, and we headed to his brother Damon, and Ace’s duplex to kick off the night. Damon, Ace, Krull, Mel, Lilly, Jace, and a girl that he brought with him, who was whiter than my left ass cheek, yet acted like she was raised in south Detroit, were all waiting for us at the duplex. Eventually the ever-so-lovely Mandy arrived followed by Emma, who was sporting a sundress that covered up her camel toe, resulting in no one recognizing her. What Emma lacked in vaginal wedgies was made up for in cleavage, which I was almost positive could pass as a piggybank, but got my hand slapped when I tried to deposit a quarter. The night began to live up to its expectations as drinks were poured, and music blared. Derek decided the suspense was killing him, and that he wanted to open up his presents.

 As he unwrapped Meme the midget love doll I could see his eyes lighting up with excitement due to his dreams of being able to penetrate a woman who couldn’t talk, or ask, “Are you cold, or is it just that small?” coming true before his eyes. We decided to inflate Meme immediately, and after we passed her around, and took turns molesting her like she was an underage catholic boy, Derek thought it would be a good idea to take shots of whiskey out of her vagina. After a good half hour of Damon, and Derek drinking out of Meme’s love holes we decided to give her a break, due to the fact that she had just lost her virginity to a shot glass, and during this break Ace and I whipped out Derek’s new “Asian Babes” magazine for a bit of light reading. I couldn’t help but laugh my ass off as we were going through the magazine. It’s funny as it is to see Asians try and fit in to everyday society, much less when they’re wearing nipple tassels and shoving a cucumber up their ass. We found a girl in one of the centerfolds whose nipples could easily be mistaken for a stick of beef jerky, but this girl was far from Asian, in fact she looked almost like she was Mexican, and I could tell right then that Ace was getting upset. A few months ago I had attempted to set up Ace with my old friend Jetta who is of Hispanic descent, and Ace has been in a funk ever since things didn’t work out. Ace is one of the weirdest people I know which explains why we are such good friends, and I knew the minute I introduced him to Jetta he could tell she was a little off as well, and by off I mean Mexican. I had known Jetta most of my life, but didn’t really become friends with her up until our sophomore year of high-school when I realized she was a student, and not a younger member of our schools janitorial squad.  Jetta was out in our schools parking lot when, from a distance, I witnessed her get kicked down by Kolene, a Vietnam native with the leg strength of a pack mule. I saw Jetta lying on the ground in pain, and decided to go against everything my parents had taught me about approaching Mexican’s in public, and help her out. Up until this point in my life I had never seen a Mexican in the wild before, and wasn’t sure of their nature. I helped pick Jetta up off of the ground, introduced her to the English culture, and we have been friends ever since. I decided hooking Ace up with her would be a piece of cake, but things didn’t work out for the best, and ever since this little bandita walked out of his life he hasn’t been able to pass a Taco-Bell, or use a lawnmower without shedding a few tears. I ripped the porno out of his hands, and decided to brighten the mood with a few shots of my own blend, which included sweet tea vodka, whiskey, and vinegar. 2AM had came faster than Jace the first time he saw himself in the mirror, and I knew everyone was WASTED. Derek, and Damon were persuaded into believing that the birthday cake had been injected with mass amounts of protein, and being the meatheads that they are, dove in headfirst. Lilly, and Mel were engaging in lesbian-like actions that would make Rosie O’Donnel look straight, and Emma’s sundress had now became a skirt so short it nearly exposed her penis. By 3AM people were settling down. Jace had taken his ghetto-ass girlfriend home after I had informed her that she was white, and she threatened to bust a cap in my honky ass, while simultaneously throwing up gang signs. Krull had passed out in the backyard, while Lilly and Mel had both fallen asleep after an intimate dry humping session, and a carton of cigarettes. Ace and I walked Mandy and Emma out to their car to bid them farewell, and as Ace hugged Mandy goodbye, I was motor-boating Emma’s cleavage to my highest potential. A few hours later, after I had managed to navigate my way out from between her tits, I went back into the duplex when Ace informed me he was about to call on a search party in my absence. Knowing I had to be at work in only a few hours I decided to call it a night around 4AM. I took the time to tell everyone’s unconscious bodies goodbye, while I also took full advantage of Mel, who fortunately for me, sleeps with her mouth open. As I was exiting the Duplex I looked back inside and saw my best friend, Derek, who was snuggling with Meme, his new inflatable lover. I realized then and there that love comes in all shapes and sizes, and was comforted by the fact that even though things didn’t work out between Ace and Jetta, I had at least managed to bring happiness into Derek’s life.