Calf Fry.

Over the past two weeks nothing “blog worthy” has happened in my life.  Damon had found a new love interest, Muriel, who was initiated into the group after she sat through a 4-hour session of watching Damon play “Call of Duty” without trying to kill herself. Damon congratulated her with a smack on the ass cheek after he had became bored with the Playstation, but little did he know the only reason her suicide wasn’t successful was due to the fact that the razor blade she was attempting to slice her wrist open with had recently became dull after Ace had used it to shave his bush. Derek had moved out of his parent’s house after an altercation with his step-dad and decided to move in with Damon and Ace after the management team at Barnes&Noble noticed he had slept in the non-fiction section 3 nights in a row and politely asked him to leave. Lastly, Tori and I decided to go on a date to the local drive thru for some ice cream, and being the lazy bitch she is decided to go bra-less. Her nipples were so hard it looked as if she were smuggling raisins inside her shirt. Although sometimes raisins give me intense diarrhea I was willing to take a risk nibbling on those bad boys. Due to the recent “Jersey Shore” marathons on MTV my friends and I haven’t gone out, rather we stay in and try to hide our boners every time Snooki does a panty-less cartwheel. Since nothing in my life has been worth writing about I’ve decided to backtrack a few months to an event, which took place before I started publishing my life on the Internet, this event was called Calf Fry.

My friend Jetta had called and asked me to come to Stillwater, a college town upstate that was hosting a concert. Obviously I was going to go, not only for the concert, but to see Jetta. It had been at least 6 months since I had seen her, and the fact that she could be deported back to Mexico any minute made we want to visit her all the more. I had thrown out the idea of going to the concert to Derek, Ace, and Damon, all of which couldn’t have been any more excited if we were going to go molest a bunch of middle school girls, which we all made a pact never to do again after barely escaping jail time last winter. The day of the concert had arrived and naturally I was forced to drive. It was 4 o’clock in the afternoon and my shithole friends were completely smashed. 3 Missed exits, and 2 hours later Derek, Ace, Krull, Myself, Damon, and his girlfriend at the time, Jamie, had arrived in Stillwater and we were ready to rock. The concert was held in an outside amphitheatre and to enter we had to pass through security, a frisking session, which I felt could have lasted longer, and metal detectors. Luckily none of us had brought our guns with us, and Derek was smart enough to leave his purse in the car. Within the first 20 seconds of being in the concert I had seen a shit-ton of people from high-school, which was awkward seeing as how I told most of them to f*ck off after graduation.  I was the only sober one out of all of my friends, which made for another awkward experience. Derek and Krull had left to find a bathroom, while Ace was trying to calm down Damon after he had punched a picnic table because it was giving him dirty looks. Anytime Damon drinks he decides to pick fights with random people, and in this case random objects. Eventually the sky grew dark and Ace and I lost everyone in the large crowd. We decided if we wanted to find our friends that the best place to start would be the beer stand, so that’s exactly where we headed. I love the attention I get when I walk around in public with Ace. People are always trying to get autographs, or take pictures with him. Ace has nothing to be famous for, unless you count the McClain county registered sex offenders list, but every time we go out in public people seem to mistake him for Justin Bieber, and occasionally Ellen DeGeneres. After he had taken a picture with two girls, and autographed a lesbians cleavage we finally managed to find Krull, who’s drunk ass was standing in line outside the girls bathroom asking if anyone needed another beer, or help wiping. I noticed Derek’s dumbass emerging out from the distance and the fact that his belt was undone alarmed me in more than one way. He was so drunk he couldn’t stand up straight, and was claiming he had received sexual favors from a girl in the crowd. I could tell he was lying out of his teeth because anyone who is that drunk would most likely not have a working penis, also most women have trouble finding his wiener in a well lit room, much less a concert crowd in the dead of night. Anytime Derek gets drunk he makes up lies about being sexually pleasured by imaginary women. These lies extend from the handjob he claimed to get at the concert that night all the way to getting a finger shoved up his ass by the cashier at Hobby Lobby. The concert had ended and everyone was leaving, I had yet to see Jetta but was so tired of being in a big crowd I wanted to get gone, and away from people, especially Mexican ones. We made our way back to the parking lot and everyone wanted to sober up before the car ride home, and by sober up I mean drink more. The car ride home was a lot more peaceful due to the fact that everyone except for Ace and I had passed out. I usually try not to sleep while I'm driving unless I know how to properly use the cruise control, and being in an unfamiliar vehicle this wasn't an option. I wasn't sure if Ace was still awake from the caffeine he had took in from one of the six 4-Loco's he had drank in the parking lot, or if he was just excited because his new single "Never Say Never" was climbing its way to the top of the charts.  Looking back on that night I can’t help but laugh at the stupid shit we did. I realize I am most likely the only one of us that can remember that night, but will never let my friends forget how piss ignorant they were then, and still are today.