I'm An Adult, Bitch.

I eventually managed to calm my family down after I had taught my 4-year-old cousin the “California Howdy”, and my week continued on as boring as ever.  My parents had found a swarm of bees in the backyard that covered half of a tree, and you would have thought they struck oil. Apparently not only is my mother certified in business, and administration, but is also a professional photographer for the National Geographic, or at least that was the impression I had gotten when I saw her out the window shooting black & whites of the bees with her disposable Kodak.  “Now don’t you go touch that beehive”, my mother said to me as she came inside. “No shit, Sherlock,” I said to her, while simultaneously flipping her the bird. My parents have a tendency of speaking to me as if I am 5-years-old, I realize that sometimes I act childish, and up until I was 16 they thought I had Down Syndrome, but now that that’s out of the question I wish to be spoken to like an adult. As I was leaving for work I heard my mother yell “watch out when you’re leaving, the neighbor girls are playing in the street.”  I wanted to tell my mother that it was impossible to run over those two little shits, as I had tried many of times in the past. I was almost successful once, as Macy the oldest girl was on her bicycle when I drove through the neighborhood at 90MPH. I turned the corner hoping to make her into just another speed bump when she ramped her bike BMX style out of the way and into safety, and her younger sister, Molly, managed to sidestep my car and do a cartwheel onto the sidewalk. I got out of my car in embarrassment, knowing I had failed in my first attempt at manslaughter, as both of the small girls sat there flipping me off, a gesture I had taught them at a neighborhood BBQ only a few months earlier. I had arrived to work under a clear blue sky, and assumed it would stay that way.  I was sitting at my computer at work, checking my email, which is an everyday thing. All of the sudden my Internet shut down, and a virus scanner popped up. It said that my computer had been infected by a harmful virus, and began to scan. Minutes later it finished scanning, and after I glanced at the virus name I noticed it was titled “Child Porn.” That was it, I shit my pants, and I knew I was going to get fired. I had actually never looked at porn at work, much less child porn, but I knew being known as the “office pervert” no one was going to believe me. Not knowing what to do, I called Ace, who happens to work at the Casino with me. “I knew you were into that sick shit you nasty f**k” he said, as I pleaded my case. Eventually he believed me, and I went downstairs so we could discuss the situation. After only minutes of talking to Ace he had managed to calm me down, and by calm me down, I mean he gave me an Adderall. The effects of the pills had kicked in, and I was in a state of euphoria for no more than a minute, when Ace decided to fill me in on a rumor he had heard about Harry Potter premiere tickets being sold out. My eyes popped out of their sockets, and once again I shit my pants. This was the second pair of pants I had ruined in the span of twenty minutes, and I was almost positive my dry cleaner was going to commit suicide, along with my dentist, and dietician. After the devastating rumor I had just heard i passed out under the immense stress. I woke up to Ace performing CPR on me, which I didn’t know required tongue, but wasn’t in a position to complain. I managed to pull myself together and call the nearest theatre. 30 minutes later, when I finally managed to reach an actual human being instead of a f**king recording, I was told by Ashley, my new worst enemy, that the tickets were indeed sold out. I proceeded to ask her if tickets would become available again if someone were to die, or mysteriously disappear, and... “CLICK”. Ashley hung up. We eventually found tickets available at a theatre that you would most likely go to if you had intentions of getting raped, which Ace, and myself were both excited about. We succeeded in ordering all 8 tickets for Myself, Ace, Billie, Lilly, Gavin, Ava, our other friend Samantha, and her younger brother Kam. Having known we bought our tickets, and that there was no doubt that we would be at the premiere had excited me so much I ruined my pants again, this time in a whole new area. In the blink of an eye the electricity flashed on and off, and the sound of thunder flooded through the whole casino. Ace, and I ran to the nearest window to see what looked like a tornado outside. In an instance we saw fence post, tree branches, and what looked like the midget, Derry, flying through the air. A major storm had hit, and I was filled with excitement knowing that the power had gone out, and my computer would be shut off long enough for me to blame the viruses on someone else. As I was leaving work I realized a flood had came as well. Luckily I never leave the house without a snorkel, and was able to swim to my car without coming up for air once. I decided to go to Ace, and Damon’s house to hang out. I arrived to a pitch black house, only to see the shadows of Ace, Billie, Eric, Gavin, Damon, Derek, and a large black mass, which I could only assume was Tons-of-fun. The electricity had gone out, and being kids of the 21^st century we didn’t know what to do.  Tons-of-fun suggested that we roasted s’mores over the candle fire, while I suggested she get off the couch before it collapsed. We were all shooting around ideas, when Eric, having not said a word all night suggested on us blowing out all of the candles, and playing a few rounds of “Who’s In My Mouth.” As appealing as this offer sounded, everyone decided to leave within 30 seconds of this comment. I had asked Derek to hang out as we were leaving, but he explained to me that he had to wake up early the next morning to go job hunting. Once a week Derek goes out to apply for jobs, not only to keep his parents off his ass for not trying, but also because the penile implants he has asked Santa for every Christmas since sophomore year and never received, weren’t going to pay for themselves.  I pulled into my neighborhood to see it had been affected by the storm as well. I noticed Macy’s bicycle was up in a tree, but I wasn’t sure if that was from the tornado-like winds, or if she had botched another stunt trick. I walked into my house to my mother asking me if I had noticed it was storming. I wanted to reply with my usual “No shit!” and then ask her if she would prove it was storming by standing out in the yard with a long metal rod, but decided the only way I will ever be treated like an adult, is if I act like an adult… A very responsible adult, who under no circumstances would look up child porn. Unless it was midgets pretending to be children, which is a whole different playing field.