Mya's Middle Finger

My 36 hours of nonsense had finally ended and i had gotten the rest i deserved. After sleeping for 16 hours straight, and lounging around the house all day in the comfort of my birthday suit i decided staying in for the night wasn't an option. Lilly had called and demanded a hang out sesh after she got off from work at the local titty bar, and naturally Derek came along for the ride. Don't Forget The Lyrics was nowhere to be found on the TV guide, and it took 3 Xanax bars each to get us through that depression.  As the night matured, unlike Dereks pubic region, we began to crave some form of karaoke. We, as new found adults did the unthinkable. We hooked up the Wii version of American Idol, and sang our hearts out for what felt like an eternity. After i had pulled through an emotional performance of The Spice Girls "Wannabe" i decided it was time to quit. Derek and I left Lillys fairly early, and decided to stop at a local gas station for food.  We went back to my place and found ourselves reminiscing, and laughing at our pathetic excuses for lives. Derek later decided to make a public announcement that he had to poop, which made me cringe. If you know me the slightest bit you know i have no boundaries, but the one thing that makes me sick to my stomach is when someone talks about their shadoobie. To purposly piss me off Derek kept saying shit like "I gotta poo", and "I'm going to poop in your chair" which i started to ignore, but then he uttered "I'm going to poop on ........." and then he stopped talking. "Lauren's Chest?" i asked. "What?", "Hell no, sicko!" he screamed. I knew deep down in my heart that my best friend would never participate in a "Cleveland Steamer" but he was pissed at the fact that i had accused him of saying it, which gave me incentive to keep the joke going.  I later informed him that if i woke up in the middle of the night to him squatting over me with a fitness magazine in one hand, and toilet paper in the other, our friendship would take a turn for the worst. "WAKE YOUR LAZY ASS UP" i heard Derek yell, as i looked at my phone to see that it was only 11 AM. Up until this day i had never been awake for the AM, but assumed i wasn't missing much. Derek soon left for his monthly pap smear, and i was forced to entertain myself without the help of friends, or recreational pills. I decided to watch Extreme Home Makeover, which i found wasn't as funny as the commercials made it look. Later on in the day my mom called to tell me that we were going to visit my cousin Amy, and her newborn.  We made the 45 minute drive to their house in an awkward silence between my brother and I, as our mom sang Beer For My Horses at the top of her lungs. We arrived at their house to see my cousin Amy, her husband Jim, their 4 year old Mya, and newborn Max. Everyone was huddled around the new baby as if he was going to perform a magic trick, a few seconds later to my surpised, he made a pile of shit appear out of nowhere, and i knew i wasn't going to be the head wizard of the family for long unless i upped my game. I came to the conclusion that the new baby, having not yet learned to talk, or ballroom dance, was far to boring for my ADHD personality, and decided to hang out with someone on my own level of intelligence, 4 year old Mya. She took me to her room to show me her oven play-set which included plastic cupcakes, and pie. First off, I would like to applaud the person who decided to make "fake" food for children, because all through my childhood my cousin Morgan would always warm up her own feces in her Easy-Bake Oven, and try to pass it off as her specialty "poo-poo pie." I actually enjoyed this dish with lots of whipped cream which seemed to really bring out the flavor, unfortunately after many hospital visits, and 4 stomach pumps, i decided it would be in my best interest to choose a more acceptable snack time entree. Mya preceded to give me a tour of her bathroom, and i couldn't help but notice her Dora the Explorer water spout that i considered taking home with me only to fulfill my "bubble bath with a mexican" fantasy. I decided to go against this plan due to the fact that Dora, although very independent, is probably not the age of legal consent, and i also feel my family would frown upon me bringing home a Mexican that wasn't holding a rake. I took Mya into the front yard to watch her run around, and play on her slide, up until the neighbors caught my attention. I smelt something fishy, and for once it wasn't during a lap dance. From what i could tell their neighbors were far from normal, in fact, they were Asian. Naturally, i taught Mya how to make full use of her middle finger, and within minutes we were both flipping off the neighbors in immense joy. Jackie Chan glared at me from across the lawn, "Herro" i said, as i waved with my middle finger. He went inside for what i could only assume was his ninja stars, and I decided that this had gone too far. I grabbed Mya and we headed inside. Night started to fall, and it was time to go. We hugged, and exchanged goodbyes with everyone, except for the baby, who for some reason refused to wave back at me. As my mom, brother, and I were driving off, i looked back at the house only to see Mya standing at the window flipping us off as we drove down the road. This was a proud moment in my life, and I couldn't help but tear up. We decided to stop at a Chili's to dine on the way home, it had been at least 20 minutes since my last meal, and i was starving to death. "Welcum tuh Chilaaays, what it dooo?" was what Katina, our chocolate waitress greeted us with. I soon realized we were on the south side of the city, and i was light years away from feeling safe. On the drive home i received a amusing picture, from a not so amused Amy, and decided not only could i not wait to have kids of my own, but also i would make an amazing sign-language teacher.