To wrap up a shitty night at work my friend Lilly called to ask if I wanted to hang out. Hanging out with Lilly is always fun because we just sit there and do nothing, aside from the occasional game of “spin the bottle”. I’m usually against playing this due to the fact that I almost always end up making out with her dog, who I feel isn’t actually that bad of a kisser. Derek, and I arrived at Lillys house to find Lilly and our old friend Maddie, both of which were about as sober as Charlie Sheen on St. Patrick’s Day. Lilly, being very small can actually hold her liquor well, due to the fact that she’s been a raging alcoholic since before she could write in cursive. Maddie, on the other hand CANNOT handle her liquor well. She had been drinking for no more than an hour before she started throwing up, similar to the time she battled bulimia in the second grade. Lilly, Derek, and myself, being the great friends we are, let Maddie pass out in the bathroom and sleep there for the majority of the night. When we finally decided to wake her up to take her home we noticed a wet stain in her jeans, which extended from her cooka all the way down to her ankles. In my experience with women this means they are either extremely stimulated, or put their tampon in the wrong hole, which is understandable due to the fact that they have more than one hole that they need to keep tabs on. In Maddies case it was none of the above, incidentally she had just pissed herself due to the alcohol, and decided that a puddle of urine was a suitable place to sleep, which is exactly where we left her.
I woke up early the next morning to go to the dermatologist, which was about as much fun as doing manual labor without the benefit of being Mexican. My fun filled day of action began the minute I sat down in the waiting room next to a man who smelt like he had just shit himself while simultaneously eating an onion burger. I looked him over, and saw no visible acne or moles that needed to be inspected, and at that point in time I truly felt bad for my doctor, knowing that this nasty bastards appointment was most likely going to result in the removal of clothing. My trip to the doctor ended with a bang as well. As I was doing blood work in the lab, the woman sitting next to me passed out the very minute the nurse had poked her with the needle. The nurse ran out of the room to call the EMT while I sat there contemplating on taking full on advantage of the unconscious woman, but realized I didn’t have a condom, or a lawyer. I am usually not good with the ladies unless they are under the influence of alcohol, or roofalin, but now that I had realized a new way to make women pass out I made a promise to myself that I would, under no circumstances, leave the house without a syringe in the near future. After I had gotten home from the dermatologist Ace text me and told me to come to the pool for some volleyball. Derek, and I arrived at the pool with Ace, Damon, Eric, Krull, and Mel. Eric had slipped off to talk to some girls, one of which had an ass big enough to host a golf tournament on, and I was praying to God that he would propose to her then and there. Everything else was going smooth as usual, there were people playing volleyball, people playing basketball, and people in the pool, all the while I was sneaking around trying to find snacks people had left unattended. The night was going well up until the point in which a game of beer pong got out of hand, and before we knew it shit got crazy. Two black men started arguing, then the two black men turned into six black men, this process didn’t stop until there were at least 12 black men fighting around us, and I was almost positive I was in a Tyler Perry movie. Damon, being the pacifist that he is, threatened to whoop all of their asses, which didn’t seem to phase them. One dude, lets call him Tyrone, was all up in Damon’s face yelling shit like “Listen up nigga”, and “you best back off cuz”. Hearing Tyrone scream the words “nigga”, and “cuz” at Damon confused me quite a bit knowing that Damon was neither Negro, nor was he related to Tyrone. He had finally crossed a line with Damon, and in the middle of a speech about how the boys from California take care of business Damon knocked his lights out. Tyrone took the hit quite well, he immediately got off the ground and pulled up his pants that i can only assume he borrowed from Rosie O’ Donnell. Tyrone will also most likely be cross-eyed for the rest of his life. He returned to his clan of assholes, and mumbled something about getting a gun loud enough for us to hear. This threat had crossed me wrong. I had already been shot once in my life, and wasn’t physically, or emotionally ready for the tetanus shot I would most likely receive after taking another bullet. The first time I was shot was when I was in fifth grade and was swimming at my grandparents. I was being harassed by a squirrel who had came to the pool for a drink of water, and decided to run after me every time I decided to evacuate the pool. I yelled for my grandma, who I assumed would shoo-away the vicious animal with a broomstick like any other normal old lady. To my surprise grandma decided to get her BB gun out and take full advantage of the shooting lessons my grandpa had given to her as a gift for Valentines Day the previous year. She aimed the gun and shot it, missing the squirrel by a mile. The bullet proceeded to hit a tree, ricochet off of it, and come straight back for me. Luckily the floaties I was wearing in the pool took the impact of the BB bullet, and I new then that I had just escaped death by a hair. We all decided to leave the pool before we became victims of a drive-by, and went back to Damon’s for some R&R. Once we had changed out of our swim trunks our friend Mandy walked through the door. I was a little surprised she was alone due to the fact that she is almost always accompanied by Emma, but she informed me that Emma, and her camel toe were having “alone time” out in the car, and it would probably be another 2 hours before we saw either of them. The night progressed and looking back on it everything seems blurry. I had to be at work the next morning at 7am, and once again I opted for no sleep. I returned to Damon’s after my shift only to take a quick nap before a repeat of the previous night. This weekend I have learned a lot of things, aside from how to dodge a bullet, and the fact that my friend Ace can’t remember what he ate for breakfeast, but can perform, word for word, The Barenaked Ladies “One Week” at any given time, I also learned that when you are an aspiring model, such as myself, you have to be ready for a photo opp at all times. Even if you are 24 hours behind on your sleep schedule and lay down for a quick nap.
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