Tori's Tiny Tantrum.

At least two Mondays out of every month I decide to start a “diet”. I have been overweight majority of my life and have gotten used to the fact that I have to lie down to button my pants, and haven’t seen my own penis without the assistance of a mirror since the fifth grade.  This Monday everything was different. I decided it’s time for a change, and that I was tired of being the “fat one” in my circle of friends. In fact, I was tired of being a circle all together. I forced myself to exercise for at least an hour a day, and have been avoiding carbs like they were Jehova’s witnesses. As part of my exercise routine my friend Tori, and I decided to go running, and by running I mean jogging, and by jogging I mean walking fast. Tori, and I go way back. She is stubborn, spoiled, and a royal bitch and a half, which is the core of our friendship. I picked Tori up from her work, but something was wrong. Her eyes were watering, and her make-up was smearing, which was something she only allowed to happen while either swimming, or volunteering at the local brothel.  Tori had recently been admitted into the University of Oklahoma, and decided to go “pot luck” on her housing option, which explained her tears. “Why are you crying?” I asked. “Oh you just f**king wait, I will show you!” she spat back at me. We pulled into her driveway and she stormed inside. I walked in to see her sitting on her computer crying her eyes out while simultaneously clenching her fists. I walked around to look at the screen only to see a picture of a red head that I thought could quite possibly be Bette Midlers retarded son. “That’s her! That’s my roommate!” Tori screamed. “She has red hair, red f**king hair!” .In all my life I have never came across an attractive redhead, my younger brother has red hair, and could quite possibly be the ugliest bastard I have ever seen, this being said Tori’s behavior was still unacceptable. I tried to explain to her that judging someone before you even get to know them, or their religious views was down right rude, and this girl, along with her fire-crotch may end up being her new best friend. After deep investigation we also found out that her new roommate was a milkmaid on a farm in rural Texas, didn’t own a television, and chose to wear a sweater over her gown during her senior prom. Although her, and Tori shared similar taste in fashion, it was obvious that these two were definitely opposites and shouldn’t be rooming together. After hours of listening to Tori cry, scream, and contemplate suicide I chose to leave her house, knowing that we weren’t going to get any exercising done until she had gotten a new roommate who wore make-up, and didn’t share physical similarities to Bozo the clown.

The next day Derek called me early in the morning, around 1PM and asked me if I wanted to go to the pool to hang out. I was a little hesitant due to the fact that our last trip to the pool almost ended in me getting shot, but I was ready to give it another chance. The first thing I noticed when we walked into the pool was my friend Eric’s old love interest who had an ass the size of a smart car, and I definitely wanted to give it a test drive. “Hey, what’s up Faith” I said to her, while sucking in my gut. “F**k off” she said, as she side stepped my hug and jumped into the pool. I sat there and considered drowning her, and taking her body back to my place for the weekend, but realized that if I received another felony I would have to do time. Her body was so nice that a sentence in the slammer would probably be worth it, but I had heard rumor that they serve disgusting food in prison, and didn’t want to find out first hand.  “Why would you come to a pool if you look like that?” Damon said, as I looked up to see a redheaded girl, who weighed at least a metric ton, and was so white it seemed as if she hadn’t seen a ray of sun since Reagan was in office. “You asshole” I said, looking at Damon, who was still staring at this albino whale. Although this morbidly obese girl didn’t belong anywhere near a pool, or a moon-bounce, I couldn’t help but think that with her long red hair that she could quite possibly be my friend Tori’s future roommate, and I wasn’t about to make fun of her.  It seemed like every single girl at the pool that day was about as classy as Tara Reids vagina, except not as much fun to look at, and more hairy. I even witnessed one girl lighting a cigarette with the burning end of another cigarette. I had never seen talent like this before, and can only imagine the places that skill will take her in life. After we gave up on finding true love between the shallow and deep end, we decided to focus all of our energy on volleyball. We played volleyball for hours, upon hours, and my team finally managed a victory on account of me deciding to sit on the bench half way through the game. It’s always a confidence booster to hear the crowd cheering, and clapping as you throw in your towel, and walk off the sand pit crying. Although my parents made me play every sport known to man as a child, I was never very athletic. I had quit football, and baseball, and tried to hang myself after I lost my position as goalie in soccer, and realized that every other position in the game would required me to run for more than 30 seconds without a break. My dad had finally found a non-active sport for me to play which was golf, and on our first trip to the course I ended up hitting more balls into the water than the men’s Olympic swim team. As I was sitting on the bench I received a call from Tori who was ecstatic due to the fact that she had gotten rid of her ass ugly roommate. She had contacted her soon-to-be roomie via text message, and made up a lie about being a hardcore lesbian who couldn’t wait to see if the carpet matched the drapes, and within an hour her roommate had contacted the housing department, withdrawing herself from that room. Although I’ve came to the realization that what Tori did was wrong on more than one level, I cant ignore the fact that being a conniving bitch will only help you get what you want in life.