Real Fking Great.

This weekend marked my friend Damons 2-day anniversary of being single. This is actually a big deal for a man whore such as himself. To celebrate his new found freedom we went to visit a friend (booty call) in a neighboring town.  Me, Damon, my best friend Derek, who is actually Damons younger brother, and our hippy friend Krull, hopped into my chrysler and took off for Edmond. We arrived forty-five minutes later to an upper class apartment complex that our lady friend Mandy had recently moved into. After two flights of stairs, which had been the most exercise i had gotten since i marched for cancer 6 years earlier, we arrived in her apartment.  We were greeted by Mandy, her cousin Lauren, who looked like she could bench press an 18-wheeler, our old friend Emma, and her camel toe. As the night progressed i was being pressured into something i NEVER do, which is drinking. Having a group of friends who, short of joining Alcoholics Anonymous, will most likely die of liver complications within the next 2 to 16 years, is hard to do whilst trying to live above the influence. This time was different, i was away from home, and decided to let loose for once.  Three shots of whiskey, and a half gallon of rubbing alcohol later, i was passed out in Mandys bed. I awoke to a noise so loud i could only assumed Kirstie Alley, and Wynonna Judd were reenacting a scene from Stomp The Yard in the adjoining room.  I walked out to investigate and all was well, the only piece of the puzzle i found missing was our friend Emma, who has a history of getting so drunk that she wakes up the next morning claiming that she had gotten roofied, and for some reason always points the finger at me. At this point in time i was completely sober so i ventured out of the apartment to find her.  An hour later, after immense search, and an on going game of Marco Polo, i found her sitting in her car crying.  Assuming she was crying over something serious, like terminal cancer, or the Backstreet Boys reunion tour, i comforted her to the best of my ability.  She preceded to get out of the car, and explain to me that she was worried about the pizza delivery boy, who hadn't arrived yet, which i knew to be false due to the fact that i had seen at-least 37 boxes of stuffed crust as i walked through the kitchen of Mandys apartment earlier. Emma was obviously starving to the point that i had heard her announce to the parking lot, and all its occupants that she was willing to prostitute for a ride to Wendy's. After i had dragged her up the stairs, we opened the door to what i could only imagine as a full on ORGY. Derek, and Lauren were going at it like wild boars, and Krull seemed to be penetrating a girl who i later learned just happened to accidentally walk into the apartment. I realized Damon and Mandy were missing, and i wasn't about to be a cock block.  Emma decided she wanted to go lay in Mandys bed, which i knew was a bad idea knowing that Damon and Mandy were most likely breeding the next generation of assholes in that very bed.  After 20 minutes of trying to tie Emma to a chair she broke through my boy-scout knots and barged in Mandys room like she owned the place.  Luckily nothing had happened yet, I knew if she would have interrupted the "naughty cha-cha" Damon would never forgive me. After Emma had jumped into bed with the 2 lovebirds and fallen asleep much like a Snorlax in an episode of Pokemon, i decided it was time to go home.  I made my way back through the living room only to hear moans coming from Krull, and his new found lover, and what i believed to be Lauren asking Derek if it was in yet. I finally made the 45 minute drive home in no less that 4 hours, due to me being directionally handicapped. The next morning i awoke to a phone call from Lauren, who turned out to be a executive producer at a local media firm, and was interesting in giving me an interview. This was the highlight of my week, other than Beverly Mclellans performance on The Voice. This could be it, my one big break into my dream of being in broadcast, and in the end i will never know if it was because Lauren saw true talent in me, or because Derek promised her more penetration if she gave me an interview. Real Fking Great.