For Shits And Giggles.

Friday had came faster than Derek the first time his butthole was touched by another man, and I decided actually showing up to work for once would probably be in my best interests. My boss is a fucking dumbass, but even he is starting to see through my lies. He had begun acting suspicious the fourth weekend in a row that I had called in sick due to reasons regarding my Parkinson’s disease.  Not only has my boss never received a doctor’s note from me discussing this “illness”, but also has yet to catch onto the fact that I only suffer from symptoms of it on Friday nights, which coincidentally is wet T-shirt night at the Redneck Yacht Club. Brantley Gilbert was in concert at the casino where I work that night and some how I got stuck taking tickets at the doors. There is a shit-ton of nasty people in the casino on a daily basis, but mix in alcohol, and red dirt music and the amount of disgust gets amplified to a level that could easily be compared to Roseanne Barr’s vagina. The crowd had come to a halt when I began to feel the earth shaking under my feet. I looked up to see a group of “plus-size” women who were all wearing sashes labeled “Bachelorette Party”. I knew that it was a pure act of God that one of these baby elephants were getting married, and couldn’t help but wonder if her husband-to-be truly loved her, or had lost a major bet. I noticed one of the girls from the bachelorette party was making her way over towards me. Realizing I had nowhere to hide, or run, I stayed put and embraced her when she wrapped her arms around me. After this 400lb ball of fun had finished hugging me, which was so fierce it almost squeezed a bowel movement out of me, she began trying to seduce me. She started digging through her purse, thats contents included a bottle of liquor and a rotisserie chicken, and after a good 5 minutes she pulled out a condom, handed it to me, and asked me to come back to the Sleep-Inn Hotel after the concert was over. This was one of the nastiest bitches I had ever came across in my life, but due to recent desperation, had I been equipped with a blindfold, and a crab comb I probably would have made her night. After my half ton lover had entered the concert I was treated to another surprise. Mandy, Emma, and Emma’s camel toe had all came to see the entertainment. All of them were plastered drunk, except for Emma’s camel toe, who apparently was the designated driver. The concert had ended and as the crowd was exiting Ace ran up to me and warned me of a woman who was wearing an orange skirt. Apparently she was the hottest woman Ace had ever seen in his life, and knowing that I am a certified pervert he wanted me to sneak a picture of her with my phone and send it to him, for reason I really don’t care to know.  I decided to be a good friend and get him his fucking picture, but I couldn’t endure this task alone. I recruited Emma to help me out in my quest and she decided it wouldn’t hurt to try. We found the woman in the orange skirt and Emma, drunk off of her ass, politely asked the lady if she minded taking a picture with her. The woman was obviously intoxicated as well and went along with it. I took the first picture, which was more than satisfactory, but the woman looked into Emma’s eyes and said “You know what? Lets take another picture, except this time I want to grab your boobs”. Emma obviously jumped onto the opportunity seeing as how her breasts haven’t seen a whole lot of action since her uncle Jerry moved away last summer.  I took the second picture and thought my life was complete, until I heard the woman take their newfound relationship to a whole new level. “Umm, My husband and I have been looking for a girl to bring back to our hotel with us tonight, would you be interested?” Emma’s face turned beat red a she ran off faster than a Jew with a coupon. “I guess she wasn’t interested” the woman said to me as I was trying to hold in my laughter. “I guess we will just have to find another girl” she cried, “There are plenty of cute girls around here” I replied. “Oh, she’s gorgeous” the woman exclaimed, while pointing across the room at Ace. “That’s a boy,” I said.  She then questioned me on whether or not Ace would be interest in a little double penetration action with her and her fiancé. Ace is one of my best friends and I knew for a fact that he had participated in double penetration once before and hated it so much that afterwards he swore never to get drunk and share a bed with his grandparents again. The night had calmed down, and I headed to Ace and Damon’s house where Ace, Damon, Muriel, Derek, and Krull were all halfway to drunk by the time I had arrived. Muriel had decided that she wanted to shotgun a beer so we all headed into the front yard to watch her show off her talents. We noticed lights and music coming from an opened garage at the end of the culdesac and Krull decided it would be a good idea if we went to check out their party.  We arrived uninvited to the neighbors get together and were greeted by a 300lb Mexican man named Smokehouse. I don’t exactly agree with naming your child Smokehouse, but then again I don’t exactly agree with majority of the Hispanic culture, so I decided to look past this odd label and just go with it. Smokehouse ended up being the life of the party, I ended up loosening up to him, and his brown skin when he looked at Ace and said “Don’t you worry about those three bears, Goldie Locks.” This was the second time in one night Ace had been referred to as a girl and I was loving every fucking minute of it. The party had began to slow down and Damon and Muriel ended up going home. We sat out in the garage for about another 20 minutes when the door that led into the house swung open as Smokehouse did a full on sprint to his truck and drove off at 90MPH. I had assumed that he received an anonymous tip that border patrol was on their way, but that idea had been shut down the minute I heard screaming coming from inside the house.  The owner of the house fiancé ran out into the garage screaming “your best friend, Smokehouse, look what he did!” She then proceeded in showing us a picture of her bathroom, which was covered in a fresh coat of shit. Apparently Smokehouse had a bad case of the green apple splatters, and was so drunk he couldn't choose between the bathtub, sink, or toilet, so decided to shit in all 3.  Never in my life have I been that disgusted. Shit is the one thing that grosses me out, and my mood couldn’t have been more dead if I had seen a picture of Larry King’s foreskin.  I decided to inform Damon on all of the shit (literally) he had missed out on by leaving.

Me: Dude, you shouldn’t have left. Smokehouse shit EVERYWHERE.

Damon: Literally?

Me: No, Figuratively you dumbfuck. The bitch that lives here is pissed. She even took pictures.

Damon: Tell her to send them to you. I want to see.

Me: Are you fucking kidding me? You’re sick.

I ended up leaving the party that night more nauseous than the woman from the concert would have been had Emma let her go down on her camel toe. I arrived at home around 4 in the morning to find my father sleepwalking around the house in a pair of his not-so-whitey-tighties, and I went straight to bed. Fortunately I was so tired I didn’t have any nightmares regarding large Mexican men and shit-covered bathrooms, but the sight of those images will haunt my memory until the day that I die.

I realize I left Derek out of majority of this entry, mostly because he is lame and is almost not worth mentioning, but being sympathetic I would like to dedicate my closing to the best friend I could ever ask for, Derek, who has a very, very small penis.

Calf Fry.

Over the past two weeks nothing “blog worthy” has happened in my life.  Damon had found a new love interest, Muriel, who was initiated into the group after she sat through a 4-hour session of watching Damon play “Call of Duty” without trying to kill herself. Damon congratulated her with a smack on the ass cheek after he had became bored with the Playstation, but little did he know the only reason her suicide wasn’t successful was due to the fact that the razor blade she was attempting to slice her wrist open with had recently became dull after Ace had used it to shave his bush. Derek had moved out of his parent’s house after an altercation with his step-dad and decided to move in with Damon and Ace after the management team at Barnes&Noble noticed he had slept in the non-fiction section 3 nights in a row and politely asked him to leave. Lastly, Tori and I decided to go on a date to the local drive thru for some ice cream, and being the lazy bitch she is decided to go bra-less. Her nipples were so hard it looked as if she were smuggling raisins inside her shirt. Although sometimes raisins give me intense diarrhea I was willing to take a risk nibbling on those bad boys. Due to the recent “Jersey Shore” marathons on MTV my friends and I haven’t gone out, rather we stay in and try to hide our boners every time Snooki does a panty-less cartwheel. Since nothing in my life has been worth writing about I’ve decided to backtrack a few months to an event, which took place before I started publishing my life on the Internet, this event was called Calf Fry.

My friend Jetta had called and asked me to come to Stillwater, a college town upstate that was hosting a concert. Obviously I was going to go, not only for the concert, but to see Jetta. It had been at least 6 months since I had seen her, and the fact that she could be deported back to Mexico any minute made we want to visit her all the more. I had thrown out the idea of going to the concert to Derek, Ace, and Damon, all of which couldn’t have been any more excited if we were going to go molest a bunch of middle school girls, which we all made a pact never to do again after barely escaping jail time last winter. The day of the concert had arrived and naturally I was forced to drive. It was 4 o’clock in the afternoon and my shithole friends were completely smashed. 3 Missed exits, and 2 hours later Derek, Ace, Krull, Myself, Damon, and his girlfriend at the time, Jamie, had arrived in Stillwater and we were ready to rock. The concert was held in an outside amphitheatre and to enter we had to pass through security, a frisking session, which I felt could have lasted longer, and metal detectors. Luckily none of us had brought our guns with us, and Derek was smart enough to leave his purse in the car. Within the first 20 seconds of being in the concert I had seen a shit-ton of people from high-school, which was awkward seeing as how I told most of them to f*ck off after graduation.  I was the only sober one out of all of my friends, which made for another awkward experience. Derek and Krull had left to find a bathroom, while Ace was trying to calm down Damon after he had punched a picnic table because it was giving him dirty looks. Anytime Damon drinks he decides to pick fights with random people, and in this case random objects. Eventually the sky grew dark and Ace and I lost everyone in the large crowd. We decided if we wanted to find our friends that the best place to start would be the beer stand, so that’s exactly where we headed. I love the attention I get when I walk around in public with Ace. People are always trying to get autographs, or take pictures with him. Ace has nothing to be famous for, unless you count the McClain county registered sex offenders list, but every time we go out in public people seem to mistake him for Justin Bieber, and occasionally Ellen DeGeneres. After he had taken a picture with two girls, and autographed a lesbians cleavage we finally managed to find Krull, who’s drunk ass was standing in line outside the girls bathroom asking if anyone needed another beer, or help wiping. I noticed Derek’s dumbass emerging out from the distance and the fact that his belt was undone alarmed me in more than one way. He was so drunk he couldn’t stand up straight, and was claiming he had received sexual favors from a girl in the crowd. I could tell he was lying out of his teeth because anyone who is that drunk would most likely not have a working penis, also most women have trouble finding his wiener in a well lit room, much less a concert crowd in the dead of night. Anytime Derek gets drunk he makes up lies about being sexually pleasured by imaginary women. These lies extend from the handjob he claimed to get at the concert that night all the way to getting a finger shoved up his ass by the cashier at Hobby Lobby. The concert had ended and everyone was leaving, I had yet to see Jetta but was so tired of being in a big crowd I wanted to get gone, and away from people, especially Mexican ones. We made our way back to the parking lot and everyone wanted to sober up before the car ride home, and by sober up I mean drink more. The car ride home was a lot more peaceful due to the fact that everyone except for Ace and I had passed out. I usually try not to sleep while I'm driving unless I know how to properly use the cruise control, and being in an unfamiliar vehicle this wasn't an option. I wasn't sure if Ace was still awake from the caffeine he had took in from one of the six 4-Loco's he had drank in the parking lot, or if he was just excited because his new single "Never Say Never" was climbing its way to the top of the charts.  Looking back on that night I can’t help but laugh at the stupid shit we did. I realize I am most likely the only one of us that can remember that night, but will never let my friends forget how piss ignorant they were then, and still are today. 

My Magical Weekend.

The premiere of Harry Potter was just days away, and my nipples were already hard with excitement. I had been waiting for this movie for a very long time, and nothing was going to stop me from seeing it. I was appalled to find out that Beatrice, a girl I work with, was going to be having emergency surgery a few days before the premiere, and that I might have to cover her shift and miss the movie. Beatrice and I are great friends, but the fact that she chose to get circumcised 3 days before Harry Potter had pissed me off something fierce. “I’ll quit!” I told my boss, as he laughed in my face, while informing me that people on my intelligence level couldn’t get a job as good as the one I have anywhere else! He proceeded in telling me that if I quit my job now he would make sure that the only job I would be able to receive would be at the local Sonic. I informed him that a future in carhopping was also not likely for me due to the fact that I have the rollerblading skills of a goldfish. Beatrice’s surgery went well but she informed me that she wasn’t sure if she would be able to return to work in time for me to make the movie, which was when I lost it! I decided to do what any normal human being would do in this situation, which was resorting to bribery.  I told Beatrice that if she returned to work in time for me to make my movie that I would either make her a cake, or have sex with her, and for reasons still unknown to me she decided to go with the cake. I arrived to work the next day with a freshly made cake, and a smile on my face knowing that I was hours away from seeing Harry Potter. Beatrice kept her end of the bargain and showed up in time for me to leave, and as soon as 9 o’clock rolled around Lilly, and I left work and headed for Bricktown. Our friend Gavin, and his white lover Ava road with us to the theatre, which made for an interesting ride as Gavin was screaming from inside my trunk. Under two circumstances do I make my friends ride in the trunk, which is them having gas, or being Mexican, and unfortunately Gavin had fallen under both of these categories.  After what seemed like an hours drive we finally arrived at the theatre to find the biggest freak show I have ever seen. People were dressed up as witches and wizards, battling each other with their wands, and I knew I was in heaven. After I crept through the parking lot, and evaded several misfired spells, I found Ace, and by the look of his nipples he was just as excited as I was. He led us into the theatre where our friend Samantha and her brother Kam were saving us all seats. The movie was everything I had ever hoped for. I was so excited to be witnessing it that I had climaxed at least twice within the first hour. The movie continued on and towards the end I heard sniffling and weeping to my right. I looked over and saw Ace, who was clenching a tissue in his hand as tears were flowing down his face.  I wanted to give him a giant hug in his time of need, but my favorite character, Bellatrix Lestrange, was on-screen and I was afraid if I stood up to comfort him someone might see my boner. The next day was my dad’s 30-year class reunion, which naturally was going to be hosted at our house.  My dad had offered me 20 bucks to either stay in my room, or leave the house. It was this moment in time that i realized i was the black sheep of the family, but took him up on his offer due to the fact that he had cash. After leaving my house I went to my friend Tori’s to hang out for a bit. Tori had gotten her wisdom teeth taken out a few weeks ago, and I decided that with her newly prescribed Vicodin we could have one hell of a night. We decided to go to the movies and I couldn’t get Tori to shut the hell up about seeing the new Winnie The Pooh flick. I finally convinced her that after being on the Atkins Diet for a whopping 3 days I wasn’t emotionally ready to witness Pooh eat excess amounts of honey, and that a second viewing of Harry Potter would only be for the best. We arrived at the theatre, bought our tickets, and waited in a line that seemed to go on for an eternity. We got into line and stood next to a family that smelt like goat, and looked as if they weren't against having sex with each other. Every time Tori and I try to go out we always find ourselves in awkward situations, and this clan of inbred’s was no exception. Our first encounter with bad luck started when we got lost on our way to the zoo and ended up in New Mexico. Ever since then nothing seems to go as planned when we are together. After the movie I dropped Tori off at her house, gave her a goodbye kiss on her ass cheek, and headed back to Norman to pick up Ace from the bar. Lilly and I arrived at the house of our friend Samantha’s best friend, Cori. Everyone was drunk off of their asses, including Cori’s dog Harley who had pissed all over the place after Ace had shared a bottle of Vodka with it. Ace usually isn’t one to share, but when a dog is involved he is always there with some form of alcohol, and a jar of peanut butter. After I had managed to get all of the drunken girls changed and into bed, while only fondling two of them, I rounded up Ace and we headed outside. The thing with Ace is he always manages to get so drunk he spills his guts, and that night was no different. After he had revealed to me his wildest fantasies about taking his midget employee, Derry, putting a bib on him, setting him in a high chair, and feeding him smashed peas, I threw up no less than 18 times. I have come to the conclusion that weather it be the wizard wannabes at the theatre, Tori, and her bad luck, or even Ace with his fetish for canines and midgets, that I am surrounded by people just as weird as me, people who aren't afraid to laugh when old people fall, or fart in a crowded church, and it's the fact that these people are in my life that make my life worth living. 

Sixteen Candles...And A Blow-Up Doll.

My best friend Derek decided it would be convenient to turn 20 this weekend, and there was no way better to celebrate than with a party of our closest friends, and liquor. I knew I couldn’t let my best friends birthday pass without getting him a present, not because I’m that caring of a person, but because I want him to feel obligated to return the favor when my birthday comes around. Initially I thought about getting a prank gift, but decided I should spend my money on something he would actually use, that something being “Meme The Midget” blow-up doll. I made my friend Maddie come with me to pick out Derek’s gift at a local “adult toy” shop where up until recently we were regulars. We walked into “Christies Toy Box” and were greeted by the cashier, Cynthia, who we are on a first name basis with, and I strolled to the back to pick up Dereks pint sized lover. Originally I had planned on getting him a Miley Cyrus blow-up doll, but for some reason the midget doll was half the price, and I’m always down for a bargain.  I picked up the box to read the dolls description and saw that it had three love openings of pleasure, all of which were precisely five inches deep. I realized that was two inches more than Derek actually needed, but knew it would be a good investment nevertheless. I also decided that I wouldn’t be living up to my disgusting reputation without getting him a dirty magazine, or twelve, and after hours of contemplation I decided to purchase “Asian Babes” over “Busty Blacks”.  The next day I picked up Derek, and we headed to his brother Damon, and Ace’s duplex to kick off the night. Damon, Ace, Krull, Mel, Lilly, Jace, and a girl that he brought with him, who was whiter than my left ass cheek, yet acted like she was raised in south Detroit, were all waiting for us at the duplex. Eventually the ever-so-lovely Mandy arrived followed by Emma, who was sporting a sundress that covered up her camel toe, resulting in no one recognizing her. What Emma lacked in vaginal wedgies was made up for in cleavage, which I was almost positive could pass as a piggybank, but got my hand slapped when I tried to deposit a quarter. The night began to live up to its expectations as drinks were poured, and music blared. Derek decided the suspense was killing him, and that he wanted to open up his presents.

 As he unwrapped Meme the midget love doll I could see his eyes lighting up with excitement due to his dreams of being able to penetrate a woman who couldn’t talk, or ask, “Are you cold, or is it just that small?” coming true before his eyes. We decided to inflate Meme immediately, and after we passed her around, and took turns molesting her like she was an underage catholic boy, Derek thought it would be a good idea to take shots of whiskey out of her vagina. After a good half hour of Damon, and Derek drinking out of Meme’s love holes we decided to give her a break, due to the fact that she had just lost her virginity to a shot glass, and during this break Ace and I whipped out Derek’s new “Asian Babes” magazine for a bit of light reading. I couldn’t help but laugh my ass off as we were going through the magazine. It’s funny as it is to see Asians try and fit in to everyday society, much less when they’re wearing nipple tassels and shoving a cucumber up their ass. We found a girl in one of the centerfolds whose nipples could easily be mistaken for a stick of beef jerky, but this girl was far from Asian, in fact she looked almost like she was Mexican, and I could tell right then that Ace was getting upset. A few months ago I had attempted to set up Ace with my old friend Jetta who is of Hispanic descent, and Ace has been in a funk ever since things didn’t work out. Ace is one of the weirdest people I know which explains why we are such good friends, and I knew the minute I introduced him to Jetta he could tell she was a little off as well, and by off I mean Mexican. I had known Jetta most of my life, but didn’t really become friends with her up until our sophomore year of high-school when I realized she was a student, and not a younger member of our schools janitorial squad.  Jetta was out in our schools parking lot when, from a distance, I witnessed her get kicked down by Kolene, a Vietnam native with the leg strength of a pack mule. I saw Jetta lying on the ground in pain, and decided to go against everything my parents had taught me about approaching Mexican’s in public, and help her out. Up until this point in my life I had never seen a Mexican in the wild before, and wasn’t sure of their nature. I helped pick Jetta up off of the ground, introduced her to the English culture, and we have been friends ever since. I decided hooking Ace up with her would be a piece of cake, but things didn’t work out for the best, and ever since this little bandita walked out of his life he hasn’t been able to pass a Taco-Bell, or use a lawnmower without shedding a few tears. I ripped the porno out of his hands, and decided to brighten the mood with a few shots of my own blend, which included sweet tea vodka, whiskey, and vinegar. 2AM had came faster than Jace the first time he saw himself in the mirror, and I knew everyone was WASTED. Derek, and Damon were persuaded into believing that the birthday cake had been injected with mass amounts of protein, and being the meatheads that they are, dove in headfirst. Lilly, and Mel were engaging in lesbian-like actions that would make Rosie O’Donnel look straight, and Emma’s sundress had now became a skirt so short it nearly exposed her penis. By 3AM people were settling down. Jace had taken his ghetto-ass girlfriend home after I had informed her that she was white, and she threatened to bust a cap in my honky ass, while simultaneously throwing up gang signs. Krull had passed out in the backyard, while Lilly and Mel had both fallen asleep after an intimate dry humping session, and a carton of cigarettes. Ace and I walked Mandy and Emma out to their car to bid them farewell, and as Ace hugged Mandy goodbye, I was motor-boating Emma’s cleavage to my highest potential. A few hours later, after I had managed to navigate my way out from between her tits, I went back into the duplex when Ace informed me he was about to call on a search party in my absence. Knowing I had to be at work in only a few hours I decided to call it a night around 4AM. I took the time to tell everyone’s unconscious bodies goodbye, while I also took full advantage of Mel, who fortunately for me, sleeps with her mouth open. As I was exiting the Duplex I looked back inside and saw my best friend, Derek, who was snuggling with Meme, his new inflatable lover. I realized then and there that love comes in all shapes and sizes, and was comforted by the fact that even though things didn’t work out between Ace and Jetta, I had at least managed to bring happiness into Derek’s life.

Tori's Tiny Tantrum.

At least two Mondays out of every month I decide to start a “diet”. I have been overweight majority of my life and have gotten used to the fact that I have to lie down to button my pants, and haven’t seen my own penis without the assistance of a mirror since the fifth grade.  This Monday everything was different. I decided it’s time for a change, and that I was tired of being the “fat one” in my circle of friends. In fact, I was tired of being a circle all together. I forced myself to exercise for at least an hour a day, and have been avoiding carbs like they were Jehova’s witnesses. As part of my exercise routine my friend Tori, and I decided to go running, and by running I mean jogging, and by jogging I mean walking fast. Tori, and I go way back. She is stubborn, spoiled, and a royal bitch and a half, which is the core of our friendship. I picked Tori up from her work, but something was wrong. Her eyes were watering, and her make-up was smearing, which was something she only allowed to happen while either swimming, or volunteering at the local brothel.  Tori had recently been admitted into the University of Oklahoma, and decided to go “pot luck” on her housing option, which explained her tears. “Why are you crying?” I asked. “Oh you just f**king wait, I will show you!” she spat back at me. We pulled into her driveway and she stormed inside. I walked in to see her sitting on her computer crying her eyes out while simultaneously clenching her fists. I walked around to look at the screen only to see a picture of a red head that I thought could quite possibly be Bette Midlers retarded son. “That’s her! That’s my roommate!” Tori screamed. “She has red hair, red f**king hair!” .In all my life I have never came across an attractive redhead, my younger brother has red hair, and could quite possibly be the ugliest bastard I have ever seen, this being said Tori’s behavior was still unacceptable. I tried to explain to her that judging someone before you even get to know them, or their religious views was down right rude, and this girl, along with her fire-crotch may end up being her new best friend. After deep investigation we also found out that her new roommate was a milkmaid on a farm in rural Texas, didn’t own a television, and chose to wear a sweater over her gown during her senior prom. Although her, and Tori shared similar taste in fashion, it was obvious that these two were definitely opposites and shouldn’t be rooming together. After hours of listening to Tori cry, scream, and contemplate suicide I chose to leave her house, knowing that we weren’t going to get any exercising done until she had gotten a new roommate who wore make-up, and didn’t share physical similarities to Bozo the clown.

The next day Derek called me early in the morning, around 1PM and asked me if I wanted to go to the pool to hang out. I was a little hesitant due to the fact that our last trip to the pool almost ended in me getting shot, but I was ready to give it another chance. The first thing I noticed when we walked into the pool was my friend Eric’s old love interest who had an ass the size of a smart car, and I definitely wanted to give it a test drive. “Hey, what’s up Faith” I said to her, while sucking in my gut. “F**k off” she said, as she side stepped my hug and jumped into the pool. I sat there and considered drowning her, and taking her body back to my place for the weekend, but realized that if I received another felony I would have to do time. Her body was so nice that a sentence in the slammer would probably be worth it, but I had heard rumor that they serve disgusting food in prison, and didn’t want to find out first hand.  “Why would you come to a pool if you look like that?” Damon said, as I looked up to see a redheaded girl, who weighed at least a metric ton, and was so white it seemed as if she hadn’t seen a ray of sun since Reagan was in office. “You asshole” I said, looking at Damon, who was still staring at this albino whale. Although this morbidly obese girl didn’t belong anywhere near a pool, or a moon-bounce, I couldn’t help but think that with her long red hair that she could quite possibly be my friend Tori’s future roommate, and I wasn’t about to make fun of her.  It seemed like every single girl at the pool that day was about as classy as Tara Reids vagina, except not as much fun to look at, and more hairy. I even witnessed one girl lighting a cigarette with the burning end of another cigarette. I had never seen talent like this before, and can only imagine the places that skill will take her in life. After we gave up on finding true love between the shallow and deep end, we decided to focus all of our energy on volleyball. We played volleyball for hours, upon hours, and my team finally managed a victory on account of me deciding to sit on the bench half way through the game. It’s always a confidence booster to hear the crowd cheering, and clapping as you throw in your towel, and walk off the sand pit crying. Although my parents made me play every sport known to man as a child, I was never very athletic. I had quit football, and baseball, and tried to hang myself after I lost my position as goalie in soccer, and realized that every other position in the game would required me to run for more than 30 seconds without a break. My dad had finally found a non-active sport for me to play which was golf, and on our first trip to the course I ended up hitting more balls into the water than the men’s Olympic swim team. As I was sitting on the bench I received a call from Tori who was ecstatic due to the fact that she had gotten rid of her ass ugly roommate. She had contacted her soon-to-be roomie via text message, and made up a lie about being a hardcore lesbian who couldn’t wait to see if the carpet matched the drapes, and within an hour her roommate had contacted the housing department, withdrawing herself from that room. Although I’ve came to the realization that what Tori did was wrong on more than one level, I cant ignore the fact that being a conniving bitch will only help you get what you want in life. 

Shitty Shitty Bang Bang.

To wrap up a shitty night at work my friend Lilly called to ask if I wanted to hang out. Hanging out with Lilly is always fun because we just sit there and do nothing, aside from the occasional game of “spin the bottle”. I’m usually against playing this due to the fact that I almost always end up making out with her dog, who I feel isn’t actually that bad of a kisser.  Derek, and I arrived at Lillys house to find Lilly and our old friend Maddie, both of which were about as sober as Charlie Sheen on St. Patrick’s Day. Lilly, being very small can actually hold her liquor well, due to the fact that she’s been a raging alcoholic since before she could write in cursive. Maddie, on the other hand CANNOT handle her liquor well. She had been drinking for no more than an hour before she started throwing up, similar to the time she battled bulimia in the second grade. Lilly, Derek, and myself, being the great friends we are, let Maddie pass out in the bathroom and sleep there for the majority of the night. When we finally decided to wake her up to take her home we noticed a wet stain in her jeans, which extended from her cooka all the way down to her ankles. In my experience with women this means they are either extremely stimulated, or put their tampon in the wrong hole, which is understandable due to the fact that they have more than one hole that they need to keep tabs on.  In Maddies case it was none of the above, incidentally she had just pissed herself due to the alcohol, and decided that a puddle of urine was a suitable place to sleep, which is exactly where we left her. 

I woke up early the next morning to go to the dermatologist, which was about as much fun as doing manual labor without the benefit of being Mexican.  My fun filled day of action began the minute I sat down in the waiting room next to a man who smelt like he had just shit himself while simultaneously eating an onion burger.  I looked him over, and saw no visible acne or moles that needed to be inspected, and at that point in time I truly felt bad for my doctor, knowing that this nasty bastards appointment was most likely going to result in the removal of clothing. My trip to the doctor ended with a bang as well. As I was doing blood work in the lab, the woman sitting next to me passed out the very minute the nurse had poked her with the needle. The nurse ran out of the room to call the EMT while I sat there contemplating on taking full on advantage of the unconscious woman, but realized I didn’t have a condom, or a lawyer. I am usually not good with the ladies unless they are under the influence of alcohol, or roofalin, but now that I had realized a new way to make women pass out I made a promise to myself that I would, under no circumstances, leave the house without a syringe in the near future. After I had gotten home from the dermatologist Ace text me and told me to come to the pool for some volleyball. Derek, and I arrived at the pool with Ace, Damon, Eric, Krull, and Mel. Eric had slipped off to talk to some girls, one of which had an ass big enough to host a golf tournament on, and I was praying to God that he would propose to her then and there. Everything else was going smooth as usual, there were people playing volleyball, people playing basketball, and people in the pool, all the while I was sneaking around trying to find snacks people had left unattended. The night was going well up until the point in which a game of beer pong got out of hand, and before we knew it shit got crazy. Two black men started arguing, then the two black men turned into six black men, this process didn’t stop until there were at least 12 black men fighting around us, and I was almost positive I was in a Tyler Perry movie. Damon, being the pacifist that he is, threatened to whoop all of their asses, which didn’t seem to phase them. One dude, lets call him Tyrone, was all up in Damon’s face yelling shit like “Listen up nigga”, and “you best back off cuz”. Hearing Tyrone scream the words “nigga”, and “cuz” at Damon confused me quite a bit knowing that Damon was neither Negro, nor was he related to Tyrone.  He had finally crossed a line with Damon, and in the middle of a speech about how the boys from California take care of business Damon knocked his lights out. Tyrone took the hit quite well, he immediately got off the ground and pulled up his pants that i can only assume he borrowed from Rosie O’ Donnell. Tyrone will also most likely be cross-eyed for the rest of his life. He returned to his clan of assholes, and mumbled something about getting a gun loud enough for us to hear. This threat had crossed me wrong. I had already been shot once in my life, and wasn’t physically, or emotionally ready for the tetanus shot I would most likely receive after taking another bullet.  The first time I was shot was when I was in fifth grade and was swimming at my grandparents. I was being harassed by a squirrel who had came to the pool for a drink of water, and decided to run after me every time I decided to evacuate the pool. I yelled for my grandma, who I assumed would shoo-away the vicious animal with a broomstick like any other normal old lady. To my surprise grandma decided to get her BB gun out and take full advantage of the shooting lessons my grandpa had given to her as a gift for Valentines Day the previous year. She aimed the gun and shot it, missing the squirrel by a mile. The bullet proceeded to hit a tree, ricochet off of it, and come straight back for me. Luckily the floaties I was wearing in the pool took the impact of the BB bullet, and I new then that I had just escaped death by a hair. We all decided to leave the pool before we became victims of a drive-by, and went back to Damon’s for some R&R. Once we had changed out of our swim trunks our friend Mandy walked through the door. I was a little surprised she was alone due to the fact that she is almost always accompanied by Emma, but she informed me that Emma, and her camel toe were having “alone time” out in the car, and it would probably be another 2 hours before we saw either of them. The night progressed and looking back on it everything seems blurry. I had to be at work the next morning at 7am, and once again I opted for no sleep. I returned to Damon’s after my shift only to take a quick nap before a repeat of the previous night. This weekend I have learned a lot of things, aside from how to dodge a bullet, and the fact that my friend Ace can’t remember what he ate for breakfeast, but can perform, word for word, The Barenaked Ladies “One Week” at any given time, I also learned that when you are an aspiring model, such as myself, you have to be ready for a photo opp at all times. Even if you are 24 hours behind on your sleep schedule and lay down for a quick nap.  

I'm An Adult, Bitch.

I eventually managed to calm my family down after I had taught my 4-year-old cousin the “California Howdy”, and my week continued on as boring as ever.  My parents had found a swarm of bees in the backyard that covered half of a tree, and you would have thought they struck oil. Apparently not only is my mother certified in business, and administration, but is also a professional photographer for the National Geographic, or at least that was the impression I had gotten when I saw her out the window shooting black & whites of the bees with her disposable Kodak.  “Now don’t you go touch that beehive”, my mother said to me as she came inside. “No shit, Sherlock,” I said to her, while simultaneously flipping her the bird. My parents have a tendency of speaking to me as if I am 5-years-old, I realize that sometimes I act childish, and up until I was 16 they thought I had Down Syndrome, but now that that’s out of the question I wish to be spoken to like an adult. As I was leaving for work I heard my mother yell “watch out when you’re leaving, the neighbor girls are playing in the street.”  I wanted to tell my mother that it was impossible to run over those two little shits, as I had tried many of times in the past. I was almost successful once, as Macy the oldest girl was on her bicycle when I drove through the neighborhood at 90MPH. I turned the corner hoping to make her into just another speed bump when she ramped her bike BMX style out of the way and into safety, and her younger sister, Molly, managed to sidestep my car and do a cartwheel onto the sidewalk. I got out of my car in embarrassment, knowing I had failed in my first attempt at manslaughter, as both of the small girls sat there flipping me off, a gesture I had taught them at a neighborhood BBQ only a few months earlier. I had arrived to work under a clear blue sky, and assumed it would stay that way.  I was sitting at my computer at work, checking my email, which is an everyday thing. All of the sudden my Internet shut down, and a virus scanner popped up. It said that my computer had been infected by a harmful virus, and began to scan. Minutes later it finished scanning, and after I glanced at the virus name I noticed it was titled “Child Porn.” That was it, I shit my pants, and I knew I was going to get fired. I had actually never looked at porn at work, much less child porn, but I knew being known as the “office pervert” no one was going to believe me. Not knowing what to do, I called Ace, who happens to work at the Casino with me. “I knew you were into that sick shit you nasty f**k” he said, as I pleaded my case. Eventually he believed me, and I went downstairs so we could discuss the situation. After only minutes of talking to Ace he had managed to calm me down, and by calm me down, I mean he gave me an Adderall. The effects of the pills had kicked in, and I was in a state of euphoria for no more than a minute, when Ace decided to fill me in on a rumor he had heard about Harry Potter premiere tickets being sold out. My eyes popped out of their sockets, and once again I shit my pants. This was the second pair of pants I had ruined in the span of twenty minutes, and I was almost positive my dry cleaner was going to commit suicide, along with my dentist, and dietician. After the devastating rumor I had just heard i passed out under the immense stress. I woke up to Ace performing CPR on me, which I didn’t know required tongue, but wasn’t in a position to complain. I managed to pull myself together and call the nearest theatre. 30 minutes later, when I finally managed to reach an actual human being instead of a f**king recording, I was told by Ashley, my new worst enemy, that the tickets were indeed sold out. I proceeded to ask her if tickets would become available again if someone were to die, or mysteriously disappear, and... “CLICK”. Ashley hung up. We eventually found tickets available at a theatre that you would most likely go to if you had intentions of getting raped, which Ace, and myself were both excited about. We succeeded in ordering all 8 tickets for Myself, Ace, Billie, Lilly, Gavin, Ava, our other friend Samantha, and her younger brother Kam. Having known we bought our tickets, and that there was no doubt that we would be at the premiere had excited me so much I ruined my pants again, this time in a whole new area. In the blink of an eye the electricity flashed on and off, and the sound of thunder flooded through the whole casino. Ace, and I ran to the nearest window to see what looked like a tornado outside. In an instance we saw fence post, tree branches, and what looked like the midget, Derry, flying through the air. A major storm had hit, and I was filled with excitement knowing that the power had gone out, and my computer would be shut off long enough for me to blame the viruses on someone else. As I was leaving work I realized a flood had came as well. Luckily I never leave the house without a snorkel, and was able to swim to my car without coming up for air once. I decided to go to Ace, and Damon’s house to hang out. I arrived to a pitch black house, only to see the shadows of Ace, Billie, Eric, Gavin, Damon, Derek, and a large black mass, which I could only assume was Tons-of-fun. The electricity had gone out, and being kids of the 21^st century we didn’t know what to do.  Tons-of-fun suggested that we roasted s’mores over the candle fire, while I suggested she get off the couch before it collapsed. We were all shooting around ideas, when Eric, having not said a word all night suggested on us blowing out all of the candles, and playing a few rounds of “Who’s In My Mouth.” As appealing as this offer sounded, everyone decided to leave within 30 seconds of this comment. I had asked Derek to hang out as we were leaving, but he explained to me that he had to wake up early the next morning to go job hunting. Once a week Derek goes out to apply for jobs, not only to keep his parents off his ass for not trying, but also because the penile implants he has asked Santa for every Christmas since sophomore year and never received, weren’t going to pay for themselves.  I pulled into my neighborhood to see it had been affected by the storm as well. I noticed Macy’s bicycle was up in a tree, but I wasn’t sure if that was from the tornado-like winds, or if she had botched another stunt trick. I walked into my house to my mother asking me if I had noticed it was storming. I wanted to reply with my usual “No shit!” and then ask her if she would prove it was storming by standing out in the yard with a long metal rod, but decided the only way I will ever be treated like an adult, is if I act like an adult… A very responsible adult, who under no circumstances would look up child porn. Unless it was midgets pretending to be children, which is a whole different playing field. 

Mya's Middle Finger

My 36 hours of nonsense had finally ended and i had gotten the rest i deserved. After sleeping for 16 hours straight, and lounging around the house all day in the comfort of my birthday suit i decided staying in for the night wasn't an option. Lilly had called and demanded a hang out sesh after she got off from work at the local titty bar, and naturally Derek came along for the ride. Don't Forget The Lyrics was nowhere to be found on the TV guide, and it took 3 Xanax bars each to get us through that depression.  As the night matured, unlike Dereks pubic region, we began to crave some form of karaoke. We, as new found adults did the unthinkable. We hooked up the Wii version of American Idol, and sang our hearts out for what felt like an eternity. After i had pulled through an emotional performance of The Spice Girls "Wannabe" i decided it was time to quit. Derek and I left Lillys fairly early, and decided to stop at a local gas station for food.  We went back to my place and found ourselves reminiscing, and laughing at our pathetic excuses for lives. Derek later decided to make a public announcement that he had to poop, which made me cringe. If you know me the slightest bit you know i have no boundaries, but the one thing that makes me sick to my stomach is when someone talks about their shadoobie. To purposly piss me off Derek kept saying shit like "I gotta poo", and "I'm going to poop in your chair" which i started to ignore, but then he uttered "I'm going to poop on ........." and then he stopped talking. "Lauren's Chest?" i asked. "What?", "Hell no, sicko!" he screamed. I knew deep down in my heart that my best friend would never participate in a "Cleveland Steamer" but he was pissed at the fact that i had accused him of saying it, which gave me incentive to keep the joke going.  I later informed him that if i woke up in the middle of the night to him squatting over me with a fitness magazine in one hand, and toilet paper in the other, our friendship would take a turn for the worst. "WAKE YOUR LAZY ASS UP" i heard Derek yell, as i looked at my phone to see that it was only 11 AM. Up until this day i had never been awake for the AM, but assumed i wasn't missing much. Derek soon left for his monthly pap smear, and i was forced to entertain myself without the help of friends, or recreational pills. I decided to watch Extreme Home Makeover, which i found wasn't as funny as the commercials made it look. Later on in the day my mom called to tell me that we were going to visit my cousin Amy, and her newborn.  We made the 45 minute drive to their house in an awkward silence between my brother and I, as our mom sang Beer For My Horses at the top of her lungs. We arrived at their house to see my cousin Amy, her husband Jim, their 4 year old Mya, and newborn Max. Everyone was huddled around the new baby as if he was going to perform a magic trick, a few seconds later to my surpised, he made a pile of shit appear out of nowhere, and i knew i wasn't going to be the head wizard of the family for long unless i upped my game. I came to the conclusion that the new baby, having not yet learned to talk, or ballroom dance, was far to boring for my ADHD personality, and decided to hang out with someone on my own level of intelligence, 4 year old Mya. She took me to her room to show me her oven play-set which included plastic cupcakes, and pie. First off, I would like to applaud the person who decided to make "fake" food for children, because all through my childhood my cousin Morgan would always warm up her own feces in her Easy-Bake Oven, and try to pass it off as her specialty "poo-poo pie." I actually enjoyed this dish with lots of whipped cream which seemed to really bring out the flavor, unfortunately after many hospital visits, and 4 stomach pumps, i decided it would be in my best interest to choose a more acceptable snack time entree. Mya preceded to give me a tour of her bathroom, and i couldn't help but notice her Dora the Explorer water spout that i considered taking home with me only to fulfill my "bubble bath with a mexican" fantasy. I decided to go against this plan due to the fact that Dora, although very independent, is probably not the age of legal consent, and i also feel my family would frown upon me bringing home a Mexican that wasn't holding a rake. I took Mya into the front yard to watch her run around, and play on her slide, up until the neighbors caught my attention. I smelt something fishy, and for once it wasn't during a lap dance. From what i could tell their neighbors were far from normal, in fact, they were Asian. Naturally, i taught Mya how to make full use of her middle finger, and within minutes we were both flipping off the neighbors in immense joy. Jackie Chan glared at me from across the lawn, "Herro" i said, as i waved with my middle finger. He went inside for what i could only assume was his ninja stars, and I decided that this had gone too far. I grabbed Mya and we headed inside. Night started to fall, and it was time to go. We hugged, and exchanged goodbyes with everyone, except for the baby, who for some reason refused to wave back at me. As my mom, brother, and I were driving off, i looked back at the house only to see Mya standing at the window flipping us off as we drove down the road. This was a proud moment in my life, and I couldn't help but tear up. We decided to stop at a Chili's to dine on the way home, it had been at least 20 minutes since my last meal, and i was starving to death. "Welcum tuh Chilaaays, what it dooo?" was what Katina, our chocolate waitress greeted us with. I soon realized we were on the south side of the city, and i was light years away from feeling safe. On the drive home i received a amusing picture, from a not so amused Amy, and decided not only could i not wait to have kids of my own, but also i would make an amazing sign-language teacher.

36 Hours of Bullshit

Friday night had arrived like a stocking full of coal on Christmas morning, and knowing i had to be at work Saturday at 7am, i chose to stay in for the night. Around 11pm i decided to call it a night as i was feeling tired, and ready for bed. Just as i was slipping off into a dream about a hot-tub make out session with the original cast of The Golden Girls, i was rudely awakened by my cell phone ringing out of control.  I answered to hear my friend Lillys voice on the other end telling me to come over to her house. Lilly is the younger sister of my friend Ace, but the two are complete opposites. Lilly is a punk rock chick who sports black nail polish, and a bandana despite the occasion. Where as Ace abides by the GTL rule everyday of his life, and often gets referred to as a "Roided out Justin Bieber". I decided what the hell, and that i would swing by Lillys for a second just to say hello.  On the way i picked up my partner in crime Derek, and we ventured onward to Lillys. We arrived planning on kicking back and relaxing, but in the 20 minutes it had taken Derek and I to get there Lilly had developed a serious case of smokers cough and was feeling way under the weather. I wasn't sure what i was most pissed off at, the fact the Lilly had recently taken up the habit of smoking, or that she coughed through the climax of Don't Forget The Lyrics. After a good 30 minutes of coughing her lungs up Lilly decided she wanted me to take her to the emergency room, this idea made me ecstatic, i had been to the emergency room three times that week, and was one check-in away from becoming the mayor of it on FourSquare. After she realized that i wasn't going to take her to the hospital out of love, but rather my status on a social media application, she decided to just shotgun a few bottles of Delsym.  I soon realized that it was 3am, and that i had to be at work in no less that 4 hours, and that it would just be easier to stay up all night instead of even attempting to sleep.  I arrived at work with zero sleep, i could already tell that this was going to be a shitfest of a day.  We were screening the Belmont races in the our showplace and one thing i hated working was horse races.  Jace had called in due to the displacement of his achilles, which he told everyone was from an accident he had during a game of basketball.  I had managed to counter-act this excuse by telling everyone from customers, to co-workers that Jace was into that whole dance scene, and took a serious fall in his latest production of Swan Lake, which i felt was way more believable. Without Jace there i had to use one of the box office clerks to assist me in my duties, and had i known they were going to stick me with Derry, i would have opted to work alone.  Derry is.....f**king weird, not only does he cry at least twice during a standard 8 hour shift, but he is a munchkin. He is actually not short enough to legally be considered a midget, but not tall enough to ride a rollercoaster without the consent of a legal guardian, also, take in mind he is 45. I began to avoid him like a Jew, but working with him reminded me a lot of Willy Wonka, which made me hungry.  As i was walking to the food court to curb my appetite, a woman on a cane approached me and gave me the biggest ass chewing i had gotten since i put my brother AND his cat in the dryer when i was 7. She preceded to bitch about the lack of coffee in our facility, as i preceded to wonder who the f**k would want a cup of coffee at 3 in the afternoon.  As her, and her cane hobbled off i imagined myself taking the cane from her, beating her with it, and then shoving it up her ass in the finale, which ended up arousing me a tad. Four o'clock had came faster than my friend Derek the first time he saw black breasts, and i was ready to go home and sleep. On my way i got a call from Lauren, who told me to come up to the park to watch her and Derek play volleyball. I wasn't sure if "watch us play volleyball" was code for "watch us have sex", but i didn't want to miss out on either opportunity. I arrived at the park, and ended up hanging out mostly with our friend Gavin, and his girlfriend Ava, since Krull and Mel were canoodling in the pool, and Derek was moping around because Lauren had left without giving him any. Gavin was a good guy, his only downfall is his near brown skin, which he claims is from his Native American background, but due to his love for bean dip, and white girls, i can only assume he is a Mexican. Ava is a sweet girl, she is so nice she actually makes me feel bad for being an asshole, and wish i could change my ways, but eventually i realize that people like Kevin Federline, and Gilbert Gottfried are still alive, and i fill with hatred once again. We lounged around the pool for awhile, and eventually watched Derek make a fool out of himself on the basketball court. He was missing every shot, and i hadn't seen him get that much rim since Lauren went down on his butthole during their previous encounter. We left the park after Damon, and Ace got off work, and ended up going to an 18 and older bar to occupy our night. During some point of the night Aces on and off girlfriend Billie arrived accompanied by a 400lb blonde girl that i first thought was John Goodman. We hung out at the bar until time to leave, and then the quest for food began, Krull and Derek decided to eat at a place called Fuzzy Tacos, Ace and i decided to opt out on that idea due to the restaurants name showing similarities to a unshaved vagina. We decided to run down to the Pita Pit and eat there.  On our walk to the pit we passed a street guitar player. I decided to give her 20 bucks out of the kindness of what's left of my heart, not because she was a good singer, but because she had the nerve to sing Smack My Bitch Up on a street corner in the middle of rural Oklahoma. After we ate we all went back to Damon and Aces place, and to my surprise Billie brought along her chubby little friend, who i later nicknamed Tons-of-Fun. After a few games of beer pong, and long hard motor boating session with Tons-of-Fun, i decided to call it a night. I realized when i had gotten into bed that i had been awake for more than 36 hours. This is not acceptable, and i plan on never doing it again without the assistance of cocaine.

A Typical F**king Thursday.

Today i arrived to work no more than 37 minutes late, which is actually early for me. Upon arriving to my place of employment i logged into my email.  I scrolled through some bullshit about a faculty BBQ, and a funny little article about my old bosses funeral arrangements, and eventually came across an email that would piss me off something special.  I opened the email titled "Employee Of The Month" and i scrolled down to my department to find that my arch enemy Jace had received it.  I knew i had to play this off as cool because not only was Jace my worst enemy, but also one of my best friends. After Jace had arrived to work i congratulated him on receiving employee of the month, and preceded to ask him if he sucked off our boss for the nomination, which he has yet to deny.  A good hour and a half  later Jace opened his own email, and to his dismay had received an message from Human Resources, who had informed him on his new position that he had actually interviewed for a few weeks prior.  Jace is a med student who has big dreams of becoming a gynecologist, and up until the news of his new position at a medical center, he had been running his own practice out of a barn just west of town. Well this pissed me off even more, not only was he employee of the month, but this asshole wasn't even going to be around for the managers luncheon. I decided to email my boss and ask him if this was a f**king joke, i was almost positive i would get recognition this month due to the fact that i had worked a 12 hour shift the past two Saturdays, and had only been caught sleeping once. As the night progressed things seemed to cool down, other than the janitorial squad who decided to give me attitude when i asked for advice on crafting a piñata.  Later on i got a text from my friend Ace who told me to come to Damons house after i got off of work.  I journeyed North around midnight after leaving work and reached Damons to find Mandy, Lauren, Derek, Damon, Ace, Krull, Mel, Emma, her camel toe, a random black kid that i was sure i had seen on Thats So Raven, and our friend Eric who has been in Afghanistan for the last 2 years, and very well may have killed Osama Bin Laden, but is too modest to take credit.  I realized this night was most likely going to turn into another orgy similar to last weekends, and decided that without my video camera it wouldn't be worth the stay. Myself being the only sober one as usual offered to go get food for everyone at the nearest McDonalds, and naturally Emma, and her camel toe decided to come along for the ride.  Recently i have decided being fat isn't worth the 20 minute breather i have to take after taking an escalator , and displayed great feats of will power whilst in the drive through, i was also VERY proud of Emma for ordering a DIET coke to go along with her 20 piece chicken McNuggets and choice of dipping sauce. We returned to Damons to find everyone sitting in the darkness of the living room. Not only did no one know this random black dude, who i later nicknamed Toby, but in the 20 minutes Emma, and i were gone he had taken over the recliner, and remote, and was forcing everyone to watch Marijuana USA, which i can only assume is a documentary about him, and his family.  After everyone finished their food the sex thing started to happen again. Krull and Mel took their business to the backyard, and i knew Derek and Lauren were about to go at it because i had seen Lauren digging through her purse for a magnifying glass, and a condom. Ace had already disappeared to the depths of his bedroom, while Damon and Mandy went upstairs. Once again Emma decided to join them in a desperate attempt at a cock block, or as i like to call it twat swat.  The moaning began to get louder and louder, and i was almost positive Lauren had finally found Dereks penis. This is when Eric and I Decided to leave. As we were leaving the apartment Toby was still in his recliner, his eyes were lit up due to that fact that Nick-at-Night was having a Sanford and Son marathon, and i knew he wasn't going anywhere.  This is a Typical F**king Thursday for me and my pathetic friends.

Real Fking Great.

This weekend marked my friend Damons 2-day anniversary of being single. This is actually a big deal for a man whore such as himself. To celebrate his new found freedom we went to visit a friend (booty call) in a neighboring town.  Me, Damon, my best friend Derek, who is actually Damons younger brother, and our hippy friend Krull, hopped into my chrysler and took off for Edmond. We arrived forty-five minutes later to an upper class apartment complex that our lady friend Mandy had recently moved into. After two flights of stairs, which had been the most exercise i had gotten since i marched for cancer 6 years earlier, we arrived in her apartment.  We were greeted by Mandy, her cousin Lauren, who looked like she could bench press an 18-wheeler, our old friend Emma, and her camel toe. As the night progressed i was being pressured into something i NEVER do, which is drinking. Having a group of friends who, short of joining Alcoholics Anonymous, will most likely die of liver complications within the next 2 to 16 years, is hard to do whilst trying to live above the influence. This time was different, i was away from home, and decided to let loose for once.  Three shots of whiskey, and a half gallon of rubbing alcohol later, i was passed out in Mandys bed. I awoke to a noise so loud i could only assumed Kirstie Alley, and Wynonna Judd were reenacting a scene from Stomp The Yard in the adjoining room.  I walked out to investigate and all was well, the only piece of the puzzle i found missing was our friend Emma, who has a history of getting so drunk that she wakes up the next morning claiming that she had gotten roofied, and for some reason always points the finger at me. At this point in time i was completely sober so i ventured out of the apartment to find her.  An hour later, after immense search, and an on going game of Marco Polo, i found her sitting in her car crying.  Assuming she was crying over something serious, like terminal cancer, or the Backstreet Boys reunion tour, i comforted her to the best of my ability.  She preceded to get out of the car, and explain to me that she was worried about the pizza delivery boy, who hadn't arrived yet, which i knew to be false due to the fact that i had seen at-least 37 boxes of stuffed crust as i walked through the kitchen of Mandys apartment earlier. Emma was obviously starving to the point that i had heard her announce to the parking lot, and all its occupants that she was willing to prostitute for a ride to Wendy's. After i had dragged her up the stairs, we opened the door to what i could only imagine as a full on ORGY. Derek, and Lauren were going at it like wild boars, and Krull seemed to be penetrating a girl who i later learned just happened to accidentally walk into the apartment. I realized Damon and Mandy were missing, and i wasn't about to be a cock block.  Emma decided she wanted to go lay in Mandys bed, which i knew was a bad idea knowing that Damon and Mandy were most likely breeding the next generation of assholes in that very bed.  After 20 minutes of trying to tie Emma to a chair she broke through my boy-scout knots and barged in Mandys room like she owned the place.  Luckily nothing had happened yet, I knew if she would have interrupted the "naughty cha-cha" Damon would never forgive me. After Emma had jumped into bed with the 2 lovebirds and fallen asleep much like a Snorlax in an episode of Pokemon, i decided it was time to go home.  I made my way back through the living room only to hear moans coming from Krull, and his new found lover, and what i believed to be Lauren asking Derek if it was in yet. I finally made the 45 minute drive home in no less that 4 hours, due to me being directionally handicapped. The next morning i awoke to a phone call from Lauren, who turned out to be a executive producer at a local media firm, and was interesting in giving me an interview. This was the highlight of my week, other than Beverly Mclellans performance on The Voice. This could be it, my one big break into my dream of being in broadcast, and in the end i will never know if it was because Lauren saw true talent in me, or because Derek promised her more penetration if she gave me an interview. Real Fking Great.